|
Subscriber First Name, Spooky season is here — my favorite! Let’s get real a minute though… The theme of death is the driving factor behind this season. But it’s not all grief and tears. In fact, the many holiday celebrations around death are often celebrations of life after death and our spirits living on. Our ancestors have transitioned into another existence. Transition — that simply means “change.” With change comes the death of an old experience and the birth of a new one. Death doesn’t have to be just about the physical body. As you start to heal, things inevitably change in your life and in you. This is also a death and birth process. Death, of whatever kind, typically brings with it grief. When a loved one passes, we accept the grief as normal. It stands to reason that if healing is a death and birth process as well, grief would likely show up at times. But as you become happy, it’s not culturally accepted, at least here in the West, to also be sad about what you chose to leave behind. We hear things from friends and family like, “You chose this, so why aren’t you completely happy?” Or “You were so unhealthy before, why would you miss anything about that?” These sentiments are oftentimes well meaning, but they are indicative of what’s called disenfranchised grief. Disenfranchised grief is defined as grief that is usually not accepted or publicly mourned. The articles that pop up about it first on Google give examples like: Loss of a pet, perinatal losses, elective abortions, loss of a body part, loss of a personality from dementia, and loss of a loved one who is not “blood related.” When I think back to when my emotionally abusive and alcoholic step dad died, about 12 years ago now, someone close to me said, “I thought you’d be happy.” Or, because my ex husband was my EX when he passed in October of 2018, that I wasn’t effected. But both deaths profoundly impacted me. I did feel relief in some ways (for a multitude of reasons we can get into later), but I was in no means happy they died and I grieved hard. These are more obvious examples, but… Grieving what you leave behind as you heal is okay and normal, even if not widely accepted. There were parts of your past life that served you in making it through. There were parts of your past life that served you in feeling safe. And they no longer serve you, so you’re moving on, but you can thank them for how they helped and honor them. This helps releasing them feel easier. (Even if it’s not totally easy.) That’s why I don’t always like to refer to behavioral adaptations that come with trauma as “unhealthy coping mechanisms” or “maladaptations.” They’re simply adaptations. They work until they don’t, friend. Only you know what’s best for you.
|
