DECEMBER 2023

Subscriber First Name,

December is here. And with the passing of Thanksgiving and moving into other big holidays like Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and Christmas, anxiety and tension can run high.

A healing practice that keeps coming up front and center for that: 

Boundaries.

It makes sense that boundaries are on the collective mind—with families and friends gathering more often than usual and likely in larger groups than usual, the need for boundaries is high combined with the ability to enforce them, which is much harder than it sounds, right?

Not only does the need for enforcing boundaries bring up feelings of lack, loss, and fear of rejection, but acknowledging our boundaries can either leave us feeling truly valued and seen if they’re respected, or if they’re breached, unheard, unseen, and feeling trampled on. 

Then, add in the need to manage time, and you can feel pushed and pulled in a million directions and exhausted without the strength to set, enforce, or even sometimes respect boundaries set by yourself or others.

I’m not trying to be all doom and gloom about it. I’m simply relating, because I know how it can feel.

So, here are some things my clients and I often talk about when approaching boundaries that may help this holiday season—

• Understand that boundaries can change, be pushed by you or others, and they can shrink or expand as you need or want them to. 

• Boundaries based on fear often keep you small, while boundaries based in love and self respect often help you grow and expand.

• Boundaries communicate to others what you need and how you’d prefer to be treated.

• When someone honors your boundaries, they are seeing you, hearing you, respecting you, and considering you. This is an act of love. When someone doesn’t honor your boundaries, this can feel coercive and disrespectful.

• Sometimes, people don’t mean to push your boundaries. And other times, it can be healthy to have someone, like a coach or personal trainer, for example, to intentionally push your boundaries. It’s all a very personal experience.

• What do you value? If the thing you’re saying yes or no to violates your boundaries, how far are you willing to let it go beyond your values? In other words, how firm or flexible is the line in the sand? And at what point do you betray yourself by letting the line in the sand move? If you’re betraying yourself, is it worth it?

• When you think about what you’re willing to tolerate in any given situation, does it feel light or heavy? If it’s light, it’s likely more aligned with your authentic self than if it’s heavy. So, if you’re deciding to say yes or no to something someone is presenting you with, use the light vs. heavy tool to gauge if your boundary is being encroached. 

• The same boundary could move with different people and different requests. It doesn’t have to be black or white and the same for everyone.

• If it re-traumatizes you, is it worth it? So, some of my clients have sat with and processed what would re-traumatize them to then define what they’re wiling to do in specific situations that could be triggering.

• When calling on your resilience and strength to enforce a boundary, it can be helpful to remember that a person who’s not used to you setting boundaries may escalate behavior and double down on what they want. You’ll likely have to say no more than once. Setting this expectation with yourself can help you follow through. 

• If you say what you’re going to do and you don’t follow through, then the person who disrespects your boundaries will have no reason to start respecting them. 

• Even if tension and anger escalates at first, once the other person processes your request and honors it, a new dynamic can be established over time. And if it isn’t, or the other person isn’t willing to, that doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong. 

• It’s okay to take space and time.

• Simply pausing before you say an automatic “yes” can be helpful. There is no urgency, so it’s always okay to say, “I need some time to think about it. I’ll get back to you with an answer.” And if the other person says they need an answer right away and pressures you, then the answer is no. Because respecting your request to think before you answer equals respect for you. 

At the end of the day, how well do you know who you really are and how much do you respect yourself?

Your boundaries are a reflection of that.

And remember, if the anxiety is getting too high this holiday season, and you said yes and it turns out it was the wrong decision, it’s okay to take a step back, communicate, apologize, and say no if you need to. (More on anxiety and apologies in a minute.)

Journal Prompts

• Think back to a time when you said “yes” whole-heartedly and meant it. What did it feel like in your body? Name the emotions and the physical sensations you felt. 

• Then, think of a time you wanted to say no, but said yes anyways. Similarly, what did that feel like emotionally and physically? Get really specific and descriptive with the names of emotions and where and what a physical sensation felt like.

• What’s the difference between these two scenarios? 

• What could help you choose the first scenario more often?

Holiday Anxiety-Reducing Tip

Try your best to come back to the present moment as often as possible.

To do this, ground and engage your senses. Here are two of my favorite holiday-inspired ways to do that:

>>Use your powerful sense of smell.

My family and I LOVE to slow down and savor the season in the here and now with a simmer pot on the stove all day. Not only do you get to experience beautiful aromas, but you become anchored to the pot because you must tend to it periodically throughout the day, adding water when needed, and stirring. 

Here’s a version of one that an Ohio-based artist and crafter, Chris of Color My Home Decor, posted the other day on FB that’s simply beautiful. (Go ahead and give her a follow if you love supporting independent artists like I do!)

>>Another way is to nourish yourself is with heat and warm spices.

Sip on cinnamon and turmeric teas by a real, wood burning fire. These activities bring back some of the warmth and benefits we miss from the sun this time of year in addition to engaging our senses and slowing us down to meet the present.

Remember, your sense of smell can transport you back to a loving memory that regulates your nervous system or it can similarly dip you back into a traumatic memory. Use your judgement when choosing aromas.

Gift Giving Guide for Self Healers

Speaking of present…I’ve compiled a list of some of the coolest gift ideas for the people in your life who prioritize holistic wellness. Or perhaps you don’t know what to put on your own list and want some ideas.

Either way, this guide will hopefully take some of the guesswork out of thoughtful, intentional gift giving this year.

10% OFF on Detox + Anxiety Reducing Gift

If you’re looking for a thoughtful gift to give your high-anxiety friend, I’ve definitely got a good suggestion for you. Here’s how this suggestion came to be… 

A couple years ago now, I was at the sickest I’ve ever been in my life. 

After two years of pandemic-induced chronic stress piling on to an already intense trauma healing journey, my body was tired. Mystery symptoms that doctors couldn’t diagnose after months were persisting — random pain, dizziness, nausea, fatigue, racing heart, low blood pressure, and more. And all my tests were coming back normal. 

So, I hooked up with a functional diagnostic nutritionist who recommended that I use a castor oil liver pack regularly in addition to eating whole, unprocessed foods, taking supplements, drinking plenty of clean water, and moving my body. 

A castor oil liver pack is an ancient naturopathic remedy.

To use one, you can simply take a piece of flannel or wool with some (hexane-free) castor oil on it and place it on your body in a problem area. Then you can place a hot water bottle on top of it to help with oil absorption into your body. 

I’ve used a castor oil liver pack regularly for over a year now to detox and reduce anxiety naturally. It has been an invaluable addition to my self care routine. Combined with the other efforts mentioned above, all my mystery symptoms are gone. The ones the castor oil liver pack helped with are: 

• I’m able to digest foods better and therefore absorb more nutrients

• So my energy levels are higher

• I don’t have mysterious pain on my right side anymore

• My hormones are obviously more balanced

• And most importantly, my anxiety levels are almost to a 1 on most days — if I’ve had a stressful day and I can’t seem to shake fight or flight, when I put my castor oil liver pack on, I can feel my body shifting into a calmer “rest and digest” state almost immediately.

It’s like a warm, fuzzy hug.

It’s so helpful, I partnered with Queen of the Thrones to get you a deal on one (that’s less mess than a DIY one and doesn’t require heat!)

When you or your gift recipient first start, go slow. Only wear it for about 30 minutes once a week. Gradually work your way up to wearing it for longer and more frequently. The instructions say you can sleep with it all night, but if you have any mystery ailments like I did, slower is better.  

***

(I’m not a licensed medical professional. This is intended for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for medical advice.)

Subscriber Q&A

Q: Why should I have to apologize when someone else isn’t apologizing? 

A: The short answer is you don’t have to.

The long answer is, there are many benefits of apologies, including repairing ruptures in relationships, helping others feel seen and heard, taking responsibility for impact regardless of intent (not the same thing as accepting blame or being a bad person), strengthening trust and connection, and doing the right thing regardless of what someone else is doing — so you’re choosing how you’ll act, not letting someone else choose for you. When someone else chooses for you (in other words, you don’t apologize based on their lack of apology), you’re disempowering yourself and likely disregarding your own core values.

I did a more in-depth series of reels on this very topic.

***

If you have a question, hit reply to this email and ask. I’ll answer it on a first-come, first-served basis in upcoming newsletters. If you’d rather submit a question anonymously, go HERE.

Wishing you the happiest of holidays!

As we wind down 2023 and prepare to embrace the new year with vigor and a renewed sense of purpose, as so many of us try to do with new year resolutions, remember this: 

You can set new intentions anytime you need to. You can start working toward a new goal any time you want to. There are no real rules around that. 

Speaking of intentions, my word for 2024 is strength. What’s yours?

Reply to this email and let me know.

See you next year!

Peace out,